What I know: Snow in the City (that can't handle snow) #Portland

Monday, January 9, 2017

Portland has been hit with a particularly rough winter this year. We've seen it all, snow, sleet, rain, ice, and of course, Portland's favorite winter pastime, panic, complete and utter panic. It's that time of year where we locals like to spin out our two-wheel drives and roll down to the local grocery store in search of food, water, and booze.

These past two days have been no exception.

This winter has been labeled “snowapocalypse” and I'm certain that whoever coined that term, did so while they were shopping at the grocery store.

Saturday morning, after the first snowflake fell, I got into my two-wheel drive and rolled down to the grocery store. Thomas and I had looked in the fridge that morning and thought well if we're going to be stuck for a couple days, we should get some chicken, maybe some veggies, and wine. You know, NO-BIG-DEAL. Until I actually got to the store and saw like, 300 rabies-infested locals tearing through the aisles. Or wait, I should back up. I almost didn't make it into the store because I got trapped trying to park.

How? You ask. Here's How:

I can't draw anything to scale. It's a physical impossibility.

I was following some Asshat in a Subaru going round and round in the lot, waiting for a parked car to leave. And after only a couple minutes, he just, stopped. And I thought stop? What are we stopping for? I don't see anyone backing up. And you know what? That's because no one was backing up. This guy just PANICKED and parked, in-the-road. I mean, we're talking a quarter inch of snow here and he's feeling validated to trap four cars so that he can get some frozen Annie's burritos and a case of beer.

So I was stuck.

Of course, I managed a way out, and as I continued my search to park, I did what any self-respecting (young?) woman would do: call her boyfriend to complain and when he doesn't answer, leave a voicemail anyway.

“What the **** is wrong with this ****ing city? I can't believe we thought this was a good idea. I hate this ****ing place. I swear to GOD if I don't find a spot- Oh Jesus lady, LEARN TO WALK. I mean **** Thomas, I can't even park- Oh. Oh shit, are those brake lights? C'mon Saturn, back up for Mama. Awe yeah....Uh, sorry bye.”

As I wedged my way into the store, I came across a scene of rabid humans; hundreds of them, ripping through the aisles, all sweating, and panting. Slightly aroused scared, I put my head down and grabbed the only cart I could find, one of those miniature carts with the two baskets, rolling through the entryway like an abused tumbleweed.

Welp, mini cart and I took off, while the panic in the air was palpable, we did our best to move as quickly as possible: Baby Carrots raw veggies yeah these are easy and umm... Broccoli bunches and bunches, just keep grabbing. Roast or steam. Whatever. Bag of Mandarins I'd rather get apples but there's way too many people in front of the fujis. Mandarins are good too, yeah that's fine. Wait, are these green? Fuck it there's no time. GRAB THEM! Bananas Natures gift. I'll take 6. Pasta and Pasta Sauce I could live on this stuff forever! Grab, grab, grab. Chicken Breasts How many should I get? Two in a pack... only two packs left....*sniff* Is somebody watching me? That's it, I'm taking both. Beer for Thomas and Red Wine for me Oh crap, it won't fit in the mini cart. Damn you mini cart! Box of White Wine fine. Gallon of water I wasn't going to get it, but then I saw a bunch of other people buying it, so, well, I am a sheep.

The line I had to wait in to buy my groceries was, um, it was kind of like... if you ever bought gas at Costco, during the recession, it looked kind of like that. Except now, no one was shielded by their own car, it was just lines upon lines of panic, out there in the flesh, all whining and sweating.

By the time I left the store, it had stopped snowing, and the parking lot revealed a number of vacant spots. So either the grocery store is a black hole (plausible) or the panic was over. However, judging by the cars, on the news that night, that I watched sliding sideways and backwards down a number of Portland hills, I'm forced to go with the former.  

And that's what I know about snow in Portland.

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