Day 35: IVF, Tomorrow We Harvest

 As with most of my blogging endeavours, I had intended to post more often, but alas, here we are 20 days since my last post. It's crazy I haven't updated in so long, since it feels like everything has happened, and also nothing has happened. 

Here's a summary of what you missed:

• 5 Ultrasounds
• Endless blood draws
• Constant bloating, thanks to my (now) GIANT OVARIES filled with eggs and fluid
• Painful, yet relieving, Gas
• AND Painful trips to the bathroom, all thanks to the aforementioned, giant ovaries
• Intense sugar cravings
• Hormonal Cry-Fests
• Emergency trips to McDonalds for McFlurry's
• Regretting, for 3 days, the size of McFlurry I ordered, as it was not large enough to satisfy me, and the 32 monster-follicles inside me
• Snapping at Eric for "looking at me"
• A desperate need to sleep, paired with massive insomnia
• Yelling "Potato!" every time Eric injected me. Apparently, it's my safe word. 
• Yellow and Purple bruising all over my tummy (the needles don't hurt to much, but the liquid burns like a knife)

Tum Tum, Day 32

I can't stop thinking "Why didn't I know any of this?" 

The clinic we went through has been an absolute waste with regard to patient care. I won't get into it too much as I don't want to get all worked up and upset, again. But man, I've never felt so much that I was part of a churn-and-burn business. Every time I walk in there, it's abundantly clear that I'm just a number, and my feelings are not even on the bottom of their list. Not what I had hoped for, but alas, we will soon have frozen embryos and will ultimately receive, precisely what we came for. 

Beyond the clinic, I keep wondering why women don't share their experiences, more. Yes, a lot of it is kind of gross, but like... nothing I wouldn't say out loud to a group of women anywhere, anytime. It's like when I turned 30 and a bunch of facial hair showed up over night. I was so offended that no one told me this was coming. 

I keep thinking about Amy Schumer's Pregnancy documentary. There's a part where she expresses how offended she is, that no one told her the truth about pregnancy. When I first watched it, I thought "she's going through a lot, she's extra emotional." But now her words echo like gospel in my mind. She's SO RIGHT. I mean, if this is what it's like to simply carry eggs, what in God's Name is pregnancy like? I mean, the weight of these eggs and surrounding fluid, alone, are causing so much ligament pain around and in my pelvic floor, that all I could do last night was crawl around on all fours, and sit on a heat pad, in hopes of farting enough so that I could make enough room to BREATHE again. I'm constantly catching myself taking these huge breaths because I'm just not getting enough oxygen, the eggs are taking up too much real estate! 

So then, what on earth does a 9 month baby do to you? let alone 8 months, 7 months, and so on....

I'm not trying to get any sympathy from pregnant women. Let's be clear about that.

I'm only trying to understand why none of you are screaming from the hilltops?? I mean, if I knew that the reason I was in pain, was due to an actual, living baby inside of me, I may stop complaining so much. Like, how GD cool would it be to have my baby, inside me?! and yet, the pain it must ensue....

My Mom gave birth to me without any drugs. She's a GD warrior. She went to war for me, and poor thing... I still came out a mess...

Kidding! I love you Mom, and I'm the most special Angel in the whole world, I know I know.... tell it to my ex-boyfriends. 

Speaking of Angels: Eric. He is my sweet sweet man Angel. He's been cooking, cleaning, and generally looking the other way whenever my mood flares. He's a dream. And he had those shots down pat. Kind of lucked out having a Doctor partner who like, actually knows how to give a shot. 

If the tables had been turned, it would have been me, screaming, and stabbing him all over....

Tomorrow morning cannot come soon enough. At 7:15am, we arrive at the fertility clinic and by 8am, they'll be knocking me out to perform the harvest. Eric will carry my lame-ass home where I look forward to taking only the best pain pills, and sleeping. 

The truth of this whole thing is that I've felt awful for weeks. The hormonal pills made me irritable and a little depressed, and the weeks of injections that followed, have left me feeling exhausted, sick, and in pain all over. - However, if you are not someone that suffers from chronic pain, like me, you probably won't find yourself in so much pain. (That part feels  unique to my situation.) 

I didn't work at all yesterday, and now I'm out for the rest of the week. Last week wasn't my most productive week, either. Doing anything, is difficult. The fact that I had the energy to write this today, was a very pleasant surprise. But if you reach out to me later today, I'll be passed out on the sofa while Grey's Anatomy Season 5 streams in the background.... I'm doing my best here, people. 

Do you have questions about IVF or Surrogacy? Reach Out! It's confusing and difficult, and the resources that "should" be helpful, likely won't be. I'm here to support anyone who wants it. 

Hang in there, friends.

Xx, Lauren + Her Eggs