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How To: Argue with your Boyfriend

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Hey Girl, Are you ready to fight with your boyfriend/husband/partner today? 
Stop thinking and start doing! Learn how, below:



Step 1: Pick a time – This is best done at the end of a work day or following any type of lengthy and/or stressful experience. As you want to be sure that you're pretty worn down and maybe a little hungry, too. Also, be certain that you haven't had your glass of wine yet, but if you have, make sure that you throw down a handful of them, as one must be either painfully sober or a little bit drunk, in order to begin.

Step 2: Pick the fight - Once you're good and exhausted, and starving or drunk (or both), it's time to select the fight with which you would like to have. Wait for your man to say something, anything, really. Because it doesn't necessarily have to be the words that he uses, it can just be the tone with which he speaks. So keep your ears open, because something as simple as “hey baby” or “did you get my text?” could be your opportunity.

Step 3: Pounce – This is the part where you reply, and let him know, it's on. At this juncture, you may reply in a similar manner by either using your words, or your tone, to let him know whats up. However, for a man, it may take a few tries for him to pick up on the tone, so if you want to get straight to the point, use your words. Of course, if you're in mood to have a little fun, go the tone route. Here, let me show you a couple examples:

Option A: Using your words

“Hey Baby”

Don't 'hey baby' me”

“What?”

I'm mad at you.”

“What? Why?”

Pay Attention: This is your fork in the road; you may now choose the route of utter confusion or continue with direct replies. See examples below:

Confusion: “If you don't know I'm not going to tell you”

Direct:“You did (select literally anything he has done that day).”

Option B: Using your tone

“Hey Baby”

Hi.”

“How was your day?”

Fine.”

“...You ok baby?”

Yeah, WHY?!”

“Uh, no reason. I love you.”

Uck.”

“....?”

Step 4: Get down and dirty - Once he's caught on, it's time to get to the meat of the fight. At this point, you need to actually express what it is you are upset about. To this, he will either react in kind and apologize or, he's going to offer a counter argument.
If he apologizes, just accept it, finish your wine, and move on, you crazy little lady. But if he counters... keep reading.

Step 5: Winning - Forget getting along, you have a fight to win. Below is a list of potential replies your man may give, and how to respond accordingly:

A. He thinks (blank) may actually be your fault
Response: Pull out your cell phone and start reading through text messages, the answer is probably in there. If it is, show him. If it's not, and it proves he may have a point, say something like “Uck, I can't find it.” Or “I'm not going to go through my text messages, this is ridiculous. Why don't you trust me?”



B. He makes you realize that (blank) may actually be your fault
Response: First off, do not, under any circumstances, let him know, that you know, that he's right. So here's what you do: Bring up something that happened recently (like, in the last month or so) ideally it's something related to what you're talking about now, but if not, just bring up a different fight. This will confuse and exhaust him.

C. He does not give up and continues to throw sensical information at you
Response: *Alert Alert* Get out of there! Storm away. Stop talking. Say something like “I can't do this right now” and make an erratic hand gesture. Or you can just start crying; think about something really sad, like an arthritic puppy, or last week's episode of “This is Us” and let it rip. If he's a good guy, he'll feel sort of bad for you and stop yelling sense at you.

D. He doesn't buy your fake cries or erratic hand gestures
Response: You've been cornered. You only have one move left. Start taking off your clothes. This will confuse and excite him. Then, jump him. It's time to get it on. Fingers crossed that by the time your done, you crazy little minx, he will have forgotten about what happened. Either that, or he will be so aroused by the whole thing, that he'll almost want you to keep it up (#winning).*



*One caveat: in light of current world news, please know that option D is for the sake of comedy (as is this entire post) and if you are not comfortable with this response, by all means DO NOT DO IT. We should only do what we are comfortable with, with our bodies. Generally, if you are in love with someone, you are likely interested in physical contact like this. But if this is not the case, please do not. Respect yourself, love yourself.

100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.

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