Hey
Girl, Are you ready to fight with your boyfriend/husband/partner
today?
Stop
thinking and start doing! Learn how, below:
Step
1: Pick a time – This is best done at the end of a work
day or following any type of lengthy and/or stressful experience. As
you want to be sure that you're pretty worn down and maybe a little hungry, too. Also, be certain that you haven't had your glass
of wine yet, but if you have, make sure that you throw down a handful of
them, as one must be either painfully sober or a little bit drunk,
in order to begin.
Step
2: Pick the fight - Once you're good and exhausted, and
starving or drunk (or both), it's time to select the fight with which
you would like to have. Wait for your man to say something, anything,
really. Because it doesn't necessarily have to be the words that he
uses, it can just be the tone with which he speaks. So keep your
ears open, because something as simple as “hey baby” or “did
you get my text?” could be your opportunity.
Step
3: Pounce – This is the part where you reply, and let
him know, it's on. At this juncture, you may reply in a similar manner by either using your words, or your tone, to let him know whats up.
However, for a man, it may take a few tries for him to pick up on the
tone, so if you want to get straight to the point, use your words. Of course, if you're in mood to have a little fun, go the tone route. Here,
let me show you a couple examples:
Option
A: Using your words
“Hey Baby”
“Don't 'hey baby' me”
“What?”
“I'm mad at you.”
“What? Why?”
Pay Attention: This is your fork in the road; you may now choose the route of utter confusion or continue with direct replies. See examples below:
Confusion: “If
you don't know I'm not going to tell you”
Direct:“You did
(select literally anything he has done that day).”
Option
B: Using your tone
“Hey Baby”
“Hi.”
“How was your day?”
“Fine.”
“...You ok baby?”
“Yeah, WHY?!”
“Uh, no reason. I love
you.”
“Uck.”
“....?”
Step 4: Get down
and dirty - Once he's caught on, it's time to get to the meat of
the fight. At this point, you need to actually express what it is you
are upset about. To this, he will either react in kind and apologize
or, he's going to offer a counter argument.
If he apologizes, just
accept it, finish your wine, and move on, you crazy little lady. But if
he counters... keep reading.
Step 5: Winning
- Forget getting along, you have a fight to win. Below is a list of
potential replies your man may give, and how to respond accordingly:
A. He thinks
(blank) may actually be your fault
Response: Pull out
your cell phone and start reading through text messages, the answer
is probably in there. If it is, show him. If it's not, and it proves
he may have a point, say something like “Uck, I can't find it.”
Or “I'm not going to go through my text messages, this is
ridiculous. Why don't you trust me?”
B. He makes you
realize that (blank) may actually be your fault
Response: First off,
do not, under any circumstances, let him know, that you know, that
he's right. So here's what you do: Bring up something that happened
recently (like, in the last month or so) ideally it's something
related to what you're talking about now, but if not, just bring up a
different fight. This will confuse and exhaust him.
C. He does not
give up and continues to throw sensical information at you
Response: *Alert
Alert* Get out of there! Storm away. Stop talking. Say something like
“I can't do this right now” and make an erratic hand gesture. Or you can just start crying; think about something really sad, like an
arthritic puppy, or last week's episode of “This is Us” and let
it rip. If he's a good guy, he'll feel sort of bad for you and stop
yelling sense at you.
D. He doesn't buy
your fake cries or erratic hand gestures
Response: You've been
cornered. You only have one move left. Start taking off your clothes.
This will confuse and excite him. Then, jump him. It's time to get it
on. Fingers crossed that by the time your done, you crazy little
minx, he will have forgotten about what happened. Either that, or he will be so aroused by
the whole thing, that he'll almost want you to keep it up
(#winning).*
*One caveat: in light of
current world news, please know that option D is for the sake of comedy (as is this entire post) and if you are
not comfortable with this response, by all means DO NOT DO IT. We
should only do what we are comfortable with, with our bodies. Generally, if you are in love with someone, you are likely interested
in physical contact like this. But if this is not the case, please do not. Respect
yourself, love yourself.
100% Satisfaction
Guaranteed.
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