Fun-Employment: Week 1 Review

Oh, friends. What a week it has been! Some good, some bad, but definitely NOT boring.

Let's start with the bad (which is actually where things started... c'est la vie)

Sunday, September 15

Eric and I were heading to his clinic to pick up a couple things when I mentioned that my back pain has been much higher than usual, and that I can't seem to get it under control.

Side Note (For those of you who don't know me well): I had Harrington Rods fused to my spine when I was a kid. I had a severe case of Scoliosis and the only option was to fully fuse my spine from T3 to L3.

The X Ray below is not mine, but it is extremely close to what mine looks like:

Image via Forever Fused

The pain issues I suffer from come primarily from my low back, which is where the un-fused portion of my spine takes the bulk of all pressure/activity/life/you-name-it. (The pain was also exacerbated in by a car accident in 2010, but without giving you my life story, let's just say I was dealt a difficult hand in the ol' spine department).

Fast forwarding back to Sunday, on our way to Eric's Chriopractic Clinic (ah, the beautiful irony... which came first, the girl with the bad spine, or the chiropractor? get it? ...... I digress).

So Eric suggests we take an X ray. And just like that, things changed. 

I popped up behind Eric's shoulder, as he clicked around the screen, and I could vividly see something unnatural. My vertebrae, just below the fusion (the fusion goes to L3, so this means we are talking about L4) has actually moved off track. It's moved forward.

Tears filled in my eyes, Eric remained calm. 

Image Source

When a vertebrae moves like this, it's called Spondyloisthesis and it's most common in high impact athletes like gymnasts and football players. It's very clear how those types of athletes get it:

Sudden, high-impact movement, with just enough force, on a bad day, and boom, those wing-bones on the vertebrae fracture, and their vertebrae moves. 

Image Source

This is not my X ray (as you can see the rods are missing) but you can see here, what a shifted vertabrae looks like. Again, my fusion/rods begin just above that shifted vertebrae, which is what makes this so complicated.

In my case, it's unclear how the shift occurred, but it's likely that it happened over time; beyond that, we don't know much. 

What we do know, however, is that we have to take care of this and take care of it now. The risk of letting a vertebrae continue to move, can cause compression on the spinal cord, which can lead to things like leg numbness and loss of bowel/bladder function, not to mention, loads of back pain and instability. 

So how do we take care of it? Ideally, simply through proper exercise that will greatly develop the muscles that support my low back (thighs, glutes, core). 

However, the answer could mean more surgery. An operation to further fuse my spine and force the vertebrae back in line. 

For a regular spine, getting a little fusion here or there is not the end of the world. But for someone who already has 13 vertebrae locked up, it's a huge deal. 

Image Source

My Fusion/Rods are L3 to T3

Eric has helped me come up with a plan for how to address this: what doctors to see, which surgeon to talk to, and has generally loved me harder than I knew he could. 

I am relieved to have a plan, and y'all, I'm still scared. 

I've lived with this fusion for 18 years now, and it is part of me in every way imaginable. It has been a huge source of pain and it has been a huge source of love, and empathy. It has humbled me and it has trapped me. It is who I am and it is only part of who I am. It is my impairment and it is my superpower. Most days, I look away from the pain. I accept that I operate from a constant level of pain that most people do not. I am not responsible for what has happened and I am responsible for what happens next. It is my choice, every day, to either pity myself or to move forward. Most days, I move forward. But this past week, I have chosen pity.

We often talk about choosing love over fear. Going high, instead of low. But sometimes, we are low. Sometimes we are painfully vulnerable. 

To feel as though, and appear as though, I am falling apart at my core, and to not know what this means for my future. Well you better believe, I've let the tears fall. 

However, I do have many, beautiful things to be grateful for: an deeply loving boyfriend who happens to be brilliant with spines, as well as having many connections to all the best providers. A loving family that is in this with me, all the way. An upcoming move into our first house. And... oh that's right, f-u-n-e-m-p-l-o-y-m-e-n-t. 

Wait, so... ok. Can you see how my Funemployment has kind of gone sideways? 

I have done my best to keep the momentum rolling on this Funemployment adventure but MAN if my mind hasn't been in a blender. 

However, I did get in some adventuring in the form of:

• Visiting the Art Museum
• Consigning PILES of "gently worn clothing" (only to earn $20 off one purse... in store credit... turns out everything I own is outdated) and subsequently donating said PILES to Goodwill
• Having my Dad and Brother over for a couple days
• Working Out
• Deep Cleaning
• Eating a croissant and people watching, midday
• Doing a Face Mask
• Getting a cut and color
• Meditating (like, a lot)
• Journaling (like, just as much as I meditated) 
• Buying Curtains for the new house
• Having a date night 
• Inquiring about a couple of positions (neither were quite what I was looking for)
• Signing up for an acting class
• Possibly getting cast as an Extra in a movie (I've never done this before, but like, maybe I'll meet Nicholas Cage?) 
•  AND, not watching TV or Drinking Wine before 5pm. Because, like, you have to have boundaries, man. 

And THAT, my friends, was Funemployment, Week 1. Not quite what I expected, but maybe exactly what it needed to be. 

Onto Week 2....

Wishing you good great health.

Xx, Lauren