The past week has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Tears one day, Joy the next, Irritability in between, it's all over the place. When I wake up in the morning, I have no clue how I'm going to feel. You could say that every day is like a box of chocolates....
Eric has been so patient. I know this isn't easy for him, but he is doing his best to listen to me, and I'm doing my best to let him know exactly where I'm at, emotionally. From one moment to the next, it can change, so I have removed all expectations of him "knowing" how I feel, and instead I am simply announcing it.
For example, yesterday (Saturday) I mostly lived on the sofa. At one point, upon making my way to the kitchen for some snacks, I saw Eric in our bedroom, watching YouTube videos on his phone (ostensibly hiding from me). I told him I felt crummy and he was all "oh, ok.." to which I could sense his fear, so I told him that I'd love to spend time with him on the sofa and that I "promise not to bite." "Oh, ok, got it." he said. Pleased with the clarification.
It's not ideal, but we are finding out way through the weeks.
More than anything, I've found myself easily irritated. Everything manages to annoy me. Mostly people. And it's nothing special, really, it's just that, if you cross my path, I'll probably develop a reason to find you irritating.
The other night I texted my Mom a quick update, as she's been checking in with me often:
She asked if I wanted to call her for support and I told her absolutely not. That I didn't want to subject her to my mood/murder-streak. She understood that text was her best bet. But after some back and forth, even texting grew annoying. All I could do was put on a movie and do my very best to not talk to or text with, anyone.
Good news is, I haven't actually killed anyone, or even harmed anyone (physically, anyway) so that feels like a win. On to the next day(s). Stay tuned.
Xx, Lauren
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